The Journal of Home

The feelings at home when mother is also at home.

The feeling of silence. I would be afraid of making any sound, even the drop of a pin. I would be light footed when I move inside my room. I would not turn up the volume on TV let alone playing piano even when I have strong mood of emotions. I would even suppress the sound of getting my dinner out of it’s packaging.

The feeling of mobility. I would have limited mobility, meaning that I do not want to be freely mobile at will of my desires. I would first lock myself in my room most of the time, I would not go to use the kitchen for lunch or dinner if I heard activities in the kitchen at the time. I would be so afraid of seeing mother staring at me or playing the pitying cripple act once I open my room door or when I turn the corner going out to the kitchen.

The feelings of coming home, leaving home. When I come home, the moment of fear would be when I open the door from the garage to inside, mother would shout something aloud noticing I am back, and I would want to dash directly into my locked room having the key ready when I was in the garage. When I leave home, the moment of fear would be when I shut the locked door of my room and open the door to the garage, mother would shout aloud something asking where I am going, I would be more afraid of her rushing out to the garage door to ask me where I am going even though her bad knees which she claimed strongly had limited her mobility to walking canes and walkers at slow motion for many years.