The Journal of Home

The feelings at home when mother is also at home.

The feeling of silence. I would be afraid of making any sound, even the drop of a pin. I would be light footed when I move inside my room. I would not turn up the volume on TV let alone playing piano even when I have strong mood of emotions. I would even suppress the sound of getting my dinner out of it’s packaging.

The feeling of mobility. I would have limited mobility, meaning that I do not want to be freely mobile at will of my desires. I would first lock myself in my room most of the time, I would not go to use the kitchen for lunch or dinner if I heard activities in the kitchen at the time. I would be so afraid of seeing mother staring at me or playing the pitying cripple act once I open my room door or when I turn the corner going out to the kitchen.

The feelings of coming home, leaving home. When I come home, the moment of fear would be when I open the door from the garage to inside, mother would shout something aloud noticing I am back, and I would want to dash directly into my locked room having the key ready when I was in the garage. When I leave home, the moment of fear would be when I shut the locked door of my room and open the door to the garage, mother would shout aloud something asking where I am going, I would be more afraid of her rushing out to the garage door to ask me where I am going even though her bad knees which she claimed strongly had limited her mobility to walking canes and walkers at slow motion for many years.

The Stranger Girl with whom I Share the Table in the Restaurant

“I am not sure if I was hungry, let alone hoping for the food to be delicious.”

“Excuse me?” I said to the girl sitting across the table which I share with her in the restaurant, thinking that she is definitely talking to me.

“My friends told me this place has the best soup in town, my boyfriend told me it has the best ribs, but they never told me that I am hungry for them!”

“Huh! Are you hungry?” I responded although I have realized that she wasn’t really talking to me.

“My boyfriend tells me everything, my friends tell me everything else my boyfriend doesn’t tell me. Everyone tells me everything!” She said in a way that she isn’t responding to my inquiry if she is hungry.

“Would you tell yourself anything?” I couldn’t resist not asking her.

“You’re hungry and you like the soup.” I told her.

“Waiter, I have the soup and I’m hungry.” Holler to a waitress who is waiting from six tables away.

“You listen to and do what I tell you?” Wanting to know why she did what I told her.

“I am hungry and the soup is delicious.” Murmuring to her ownself with her head dipping.

“Hello, my name is Stranger.” Telling her playfully.

“Hello, Stranger!” She looks up at me.

I Learn To Live My Life All Over Again

Just as I was happily realizing my experience has been setting me into forming a rather satisfying living mode as I am heading to my mid-age life, I suddenly find myself come to a squeaking halt because I need to learn to live my life all over again like a new born.

As a new born, the first thing to learn is learning the parental true love. Mother giving birth to and Father taking care of the new born may not mean any true love from them. I am this new born now. I need to learn about parental love all over again. Learning the true parental love is about first, learning what it means of parents taking care of and teaching their children. Second, learning the difference between the parental relationship and the friendship relation, if there is any difference. Third, learning what is the true responsibility of the parents for their children.

The second thing I need to learn to live my life all over again is learning how education system works now these days. When I go to school to receive education, am I learning or am I listening? I want to be taught to enhance my individual thinking ability by learning to use analytical thinking ability effectively. I want to be motivated for exploratory thinking and be reinforced on determining decision thinking ability based on ethics and values. I don’t want to learn through listening sets of rules, regulations, winning argumentation base on personal prejudicial opinion, and the power dominance. I certainly don’t want to receive the education which is taught by telling and demanding me just to listen but restrict and suppress my analytical thinking.

Promises. The third thing I need to learn to live my life all over again is to learn to understand this question: ‘Do people keep promises they gave any more?’. I need to learn how to believe and accept promises given by politicians. When these politicians gave out their promises during their campaign for the public office, what would happen if they didn’t keep their promises without any explanation after they were elected? Would I just say “Well, they lied and they’re bad politicians, let’s don’t vote for them anymore.”? These politicians just get by and go on with the ways they wanted? I’ll just accept the fact that we will let these politicians lied their way to the public office! I will need to learn that without honesty in place, how would the trust system hold up but collapse? I certainly need to learn this all over again in order to continue living my life.

When coming to the fourth thing that I need to learn to live my life all over again is to learn about defending and protecting myself in order to continue living safely. I need to learn to protect myself from virus and violence. Virus weakens people so we will become dependent. Violence overpowers and suppresses people so we will be coerced to be obedient. I need to learn to live all over again coping with virus and violence.

I will say I am learning to live my life all over again is to learn living in today’s money driven world which is making me a money slave against my will.

I will say I am learning to live my life all over again is to learn to cope to live with much lesser choices, no matter how hard I work to try to get more choices in living.

I will say I am learning to live my life all over again is to learn to adapt living within the conditions of robotic obedience and puppet agreement forced upon me.

I will say I am learning to live my life all over again is to learn living as the subdued people.

I am learning to live my life all over again within the overpowering and suppressive ruled.

Mommy’s Little Daughter

“I love you, mommy.”

“Why do you go out everyday?”

“I go to work, sweety.” Mom says.

“Is that why I don’t see you everyday?”

“What’s work, mommy?”

“Work is I do things away from home, that’s why you don’t see me everyday.” Mom says.

“Why don’t you do work at home so I can see you everyday?”

“Don’t go to work and I can see you everyday, mommy!”

“Why do you want to see me everyday, sweety?” Mom says.

“Because I love you, mommy.”

“That’s nice, sweety. But I need to go to work everyday.” Mom says.

“Do you love me, mommy?”

“Of course I love you, sweety. But I still need to go away from home to work and it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you!” Mom says.

“Then, who’s the other sweety at your work that you love too, mommy?”

“There’s nobody at work whom I love, sweety. I need to go to work so that I can make money!” Mom says.

“OH! That’s who you love!”

“That’s who you love at work and I am who you love at home!”

“Is money just like me? That’s why you love her too?”

“Yeah, Yeah, sweety, money is just like you, I love both of you!” Mom says.

“Mommy, please just love me only!” Almost whispering telling mommy close to her ear.

“I want you to love just me, not money, mommy?”

“mommy?”

“mommy?”

I Wouldn’t Make You Sad!

“Don’t make me sad.”

Her eyes are wide open meaning she is dead serious when she tells him.

“Yeah.” The man says.

“Don’t make me cry.”

“Yeah……Yeah…….” The man responded immediately as if he were ordered by a commander.

“Don’t make me uncomfortable at any time.”

“Oh!”

“Wow!” The man says.

“Yeah! I’d try my best.” The man continues.

“But, ……. Do you make me …….?”

“Make you sad? Make you cry? Make you feel uncomfortable?” She questions him.

“Well, I don’t know. “ She goes on.

“I might. I would.”

Silence.

Mom and Dad

Hey, dad…..

Say, let’s talk……..

Hey, dad, are you happy?

–silence–

Hey, dad, do you need any help?

No………

Sure? You really don’t need any help?

–silence–

Hey, dad, what do you want?

Is there anything you want? Anything you want to do?

You want anything from me?

Hey, dad………

OK…… OK…….

–silence–

Say, dad, let’s take a walk.

No, I don’t want to walk.

Why not, dad?

Why don’t you want to walk?

–silence–

Hey, dad, let’s talk.

Hey, dad, would you tell me a story?

–pause–

I don’t know any story to tell.

Just tell me anything, dad.

I don’t have any story, I don’t have anything to tell you.

But dad, I really want to hear from you telling me a story.

–deep silence–

–silence–

Hey, dad, can I tell you something?

–silence–

I miss you and……I am sorry.

I hope you can hear me………….

AND

Hey, mom……..

Hey, mom………. do you like me?

Hey, mom……… am I your son?

Yeah……….. you’re my son.

Hey, mom, am I being a son of whom you want me to be?

What do you mean?

Am I the son you want me to be?

–silence–

Do you like what I have been doing as your son?

What do you mean?

I don’t know. Is there anything you want from me? Is it you want me to do what you wanted me to do?

–weeping started–

Is that what you’re thinking of me as this kind of person?

What do you think I want you to do?

Are you saying I want you to listen to me and do what I want you to do?

–pause–

I guess………..I don’t know, that’s why I asked. Heck, I might not even know I asked correctly.

–silence– but weak weeping continuing

Hey, mom, have you ever lied to me?

No……….no………….no………

–stronger weeping–

Hey, mom, I’ve always wanted to make you happy, you know that, right?

Hey, mom, are you happy?

–silence–